This will be a piece in two parts, yes and the first half may be sadder than is required .. but wtf .. I wrote it half way never fisnished it and will just post it as is ..
part 1 inspiration and living
a whole lot of really random things are rushing through my head, it seems !?
this is about us, inside, sadness, happiness and life, fishing, happiness, insects, creativity and expression
and missing friends!!!
and the sources of inspiration...
Do I have to find and befriend the Taniwha or is it that it has to be conquered?
it is about braveness to live and express and accept the way we live and experience the world and the universe around us.
Who knows, but we know we have to face this next step in our lives, we took the leap of the chasm into the dark water. Once again I face the fear of the known unknown. We have created the opportunity to remodel and start again without planning. I suppose that is how it must be. All I know is that I have learnt more about myself and how people perceived/perceive me in this one past year than in many. It may be due to the way our lives suddenly accelerated to somewhere clsoe to the speed of life only to be suddenly stopped throwing us onto a wet sandy beach without instructions. Somehow when you have the chance to start your life over again, note to self, Again... then we somehow flounder like fish out of the sea and tend to look back and not forwards, I know going back what I have said about looking forward and backwards to ad infinitum. Yes but now we stand and it is relatively simple. Yet it is not that simple to change the smallest things inside our minds, we move many thousand kilometers and the leap inside our minds is more difficult to make. At times it is the slender binds of our past that hold us back, the friends we left behind. On that note I fell down the hoel fo nostalgia and on occassions i watch trashy south african artists on youtube, to get a context of what we have left behind. Not all are trashy, some are.. some are brilliant others just justify. On the last occassion I did however find something that was so sad, I watched some Bok van Blerk .. yes OMG.. But there is something so bizarre about what he says in a lot of his music, he chose to flog the old riding horse. In between the few songs of his I listened to I found a sad and poignant song about leaving friends and family behind when leave africa and the choices those who stay have made to stay.
But there is nothing that could have prepared us for the emotional turmoil you face as an immigrant. It has highlighted the gradients of happiness and sadness and strife and anguish others have to go through to survive the journey to the promised land/s. I have met people from so many corners of life here in kiwilandia, yet have met very few Kiwi's ;-)
As I sit here the words or wordless moments of emotions churn through my brain. the little bit of connection i have had to this mortal coil slowly drifting away. the longer I stay here the more separated I become with the world around me. Words fall on deaf ears, I sit/stand and call, but nothing seems to stick. I walk this land alone it seems I walk, cycle and fish alone in a land of beauty and splendor challenging all senses of fear of the unknown. Oh I walk through the green fields and rocky hills, all i have to fear is fear itself and the forces of nature and chance.
Part 2: influence and memories
Today the melancholia filled me with thoughts, my first stop is to return to youtube and watch some Heuwels fantasties videos. Somehow they have a grounding effect. Grounding effect is most probably the wrong word for what i feel. I watched two or three music videos today.
The first being
Die Heuwels Fantasties - Heel Te Mal (official video)
the most amazing thing about this being that this mixes the old and the new so well and causes a wave mixed emotions. To clarify more, the video is shot in wellington kiwilandia which now strangely fills me with a sense of home. Seeing palces i recognise and walk past fairly often, but mixed with the old and the "other" immigrants and rugby watchers.. yes I must say am still not a devout Rugby follower one year on in kiwilandia.. But hey some things just wont change all that easily. But what did sadden me was the fact that they played at the "waterfront" ZA stand, which I very much would have liked to have seen.. But sometimes things are better left un-done :-) I saw images of people and realised it was most probably quite right that i did not go.. WTF .. who knows.. Well I dont know at this stage.
I then watched a few of the older videos that I watched before.. the one that really sticks every time I see it is
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