so many words, pictures and images and the inevitable complex loop or the god of small things and the size of my heart and a tom waits song made me sad: some notes on the last week and my life.

This is a tale of words, procrastination, friendship aging and the inevitable~ness of change and the pardoxical complex loop that we exist in.  another day, months of procrastination on my part  and on some others who owe me emails, but in general that is normal.

this was a long time ago ...  somehow it was self professing in a way, it stayed up to this point for a LONG time with no movement at all...

then a month or two later these words came out:
(lets hope that i can finish this post..:-)

I suspect this may all have been bloggers fatigue or something .. Many days and thoughts not being captured to paper, with pen or electronically. Still need to solve that one.

the god of small things and the size of my heart and a Tom Waits song made me sad: some notes on the last week and my life.

To make a change I am altering the format of this mental purge and trying to rather write one episode over a number of expulsions rather than a singular burst trying to keep my breath. I might have to rephrase that and say that the previous pieces tended to be something in the vein of how many words can you say without taking a breath, sometimes the words will flow like rivers, other days it feels as if i am suffering from Asthma. The words just struggle to leave my mouth or even from my fingertips.



This is disjunct and is at various levels, some of it will make sense, some won't make sense, some must not make sense. It is not for me to decide which is which and that which is might not be so for you as it is for me. the reality wraps around like a snake eating its own tail and depending where you look you see something different?

That would seem to be a cop out, maybe it is. But this is a Blog, not a book, i pay for it you don't.

The god of small things and the size of my heart and a tom waits song made me sad and why BBC world service reminds me of the infinite sadness and how I am noticing that i could not make up my mind in what tense i want/ed to write this crap down in, i suspect that this is somewhat anachronistic in a sense.
And secondly how watching Hugh Fernley Parsley stick videos make me sad and happy all in one emotion, not unlike our daily existence, which is more often than not sprinkled with more sadness.
No i have not read the book yet, but have ordered it over the interweb to add to the increasing pile of books on my nigh stand which all lie in wait for me, i have taken to reading a number of books simultaneously again, that seems to work better. 
As a thought aside from all of this, something i have thought before and maybe mentioned, is the phenomena of internet success and possibly even a bit of malcolm gladwell and his Outliers, I still sit and think and watch and notice how success eludes most of us, and strikes in strange places. Especially in the Bloggosphere and in the Photosphere, strange the concept of an internet personality. I read a very interesting interview with trey from stuck in customs. He had a very intersting take on social media and his interaction with the media ( he has in the region of 8 million social media followers) and how he refuses to autobot and delegate his persona and or content, other than the exception of some of the presentation on the one blog. Hugh Fernley Parsley or cabbage stick is another who has moved rapidly and created a sense of self on the interwebs.

~returning to the otherness

The words flow faster than the Vaal on a day after a cloudburst, words, thoughts come leaching out. where to start. who is this god of small things that sits somewhere inside and draws me to the little things i see all around me. I cannot focus on that which is capitalism, barely long enough and with enough enthusiasm  to maintain employment. Who is this small god, does he sit in my pocket, or does he sit somewhere ethereal. does he want praise and worship or does he want action.  Is thinking action or is it hiding, is action real? how do we whip ourselves into action, by baking bread, wondering the wilderness, being wild?  

It reminds me of how fragile we are, and yes this fragility is interspersed with antifragility, I still need to read that book by Nassim Taleb

  (Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder), which reminds me to write an email in which i lose focus and days on this..

And strangely, how tom waits stirs emotions like a frog in a blender, but leonard cohen often leaves me smiling and a little disinterested, man i don't feel like cycling home today .. that was a few days back, but in general life is lives in bursts and time sometimes blends the past present and future into one moment.
All of this brings me back to the notion of a life as an anachronism, thoughts and emotions, songs, sounds and images making me remember things and miss others. And how nick Cave always surprises me in terms of the emotion he evokes, every time i listen his music, it will always be different to what i had imagined it to be? But more importantly what the frig happened to the purple veil and the line between red and white? You may ask what the purple veil is? Go look and yee shall find. the line between the red and white beads maybe more symbolic of the line between life and death or between worlds.  Why do we not dream of dragons anymore, and who are those handle bar mustache hard men fishermen and why can I not catch a fish on the Hutt at the moment? Life, where the mystique gets replaced with mustache and shopping? should i grow a handlebar? Cant decide? will it make me a better fisherman? will it change my perspective on life or will life's perspective of me change, and in so changing my life?  How much of how we experience life in the active verb sense not the noun actually affects or effects the way our life turns. how much of it returns to where we started, how much of it is in a place where we do not know where we are. 
As a further (sic!) note I have a question as to why we need a sense of Imami and why some people can live without it as a whole and become Vegan and is is possible to be a vegan/vegetarian for a long period and if it really makes any sense at all? should we, I/us all have a raw food  day once a week, a vegetarian day more than once a week. Is there something about seeking food, finding it eating it?  The complex loops are back again, many other things are gone, but they are back. the infinite sadness still sits there behind the wall and festers without abatement at times, and at others it is still there. Yes i did steal(borrow) the term from one of the books i attempting to read between the time I am awake and falling asleep.

But what is apparent is that Life is to short not t have a good braai, memories are a mix of emotions and memories, what do we want to remember and what do we want to forget? For me not only emotions and experiences but images as well.

How many of us are truly happy and do not covert something, something else, someone elses life or in general Moan. Can we change our path and destiny, it can be done (IMHO), but not without releasing the shackles of the walls we have built by capitalistic societal rhetoric and philosophical dilemmas. 
How do we imagine our lives in this driving towards, how we imagine our lives, or how we experience our life. how should we imagine it. How much residual activity is there to be found in what we show? Suddenly i remember an Image of a place I was but did not cement outside of my reality into another medium, this is after seeing one that I did.. I now question what i remember and if i should have cemented that or not. A lot of this has to do with the dilemma of the pillar of salt which is something i should not really want to return to.

Part 3, of many parts;
And here we are almost a week or so plus or minus and i have not finished or posted this blog, strange. After a discussion with someone over the interwebs glazing slightly down the polyretroscope it became more apparent how images affect us all in similar and different ways, the line, a thin one at that, not blue, maybe emerald, that ties us between our optical chiasma and the cerebral cortex.. how one image can fill our brain with every thing from emotions and cerebral somersaults to nothingness and a void.  I digress slightly from my intended course. I think even worse is that i have a dynamic windows 7 screen background which plummets me down the anachronistic thought processes taking all the way down Alice's rabbit hole.  It takes me to places and fills me with emotion, often holding me back and at other times pushing me forward, ultimately all part of the journey. And yet i say nothing, i just waffle on, avoiding emotion ;-) /this brings me to 

But i suppose it is time for some seedbombs and lawnrescaping, you may ask why.. I cannot say. but just because. time to build a shrine to Ganesha in the garden, time to mow the lawn, time to go fishing and catch fish, time to end this entry and get back to work, maybe on the second attempt i might get to point. and the list is endless

Wellington this morning

ok i suspect this is still not successful  but i suppose i have to practice to make progress ;-)

A nothophagus for Slats, this tree belongs in wellington on the edge of its range, but not in this location. This is a really cool place, it is a reserve in the middle of wellington called Otari Wilton reserve. There are a few 800 year old trees to be found in this reserve. I took this pick when we went there for a fungal foray in the reserve with the local bot soc. Interesting...